2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
This could be us… but you playing
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.