My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
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I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this