wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Fluff me with a fork baby