[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
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boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide