Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
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The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s