coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
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I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!