Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.