Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My flabber has been gasted.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive