“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar