NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
#StillHurts
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare