Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
We’ve come full circle
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid