pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
thank god the sign was there
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Care for your back
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
a public service announcement
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?