“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
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Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.