Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
You Might Also Like
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?