DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
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My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
He a real one for that
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Every time my phone rings
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries