Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
You Might Also Like
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?