Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.