Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
You Might Also Like
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Haha! 😂
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door