Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
How about daylight saves us for once
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.