[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
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H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta