Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
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A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
mmm onion ringos
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me