I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
You Might Also Like
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…