This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me trying to look natural in photos
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.