You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain