ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses