Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.