A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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just gave your address to some spiders
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
the #horror is real!
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.