Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks