I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*