I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.