Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
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When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.