Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”