Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
How to make infinite energy.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.