Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
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[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.