I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.