mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
lmfao come on
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……