WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Seems legit
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles