[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!