[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Who says great literature is dead?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?