just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus