“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…