Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
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[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
scared to check what name she chose
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.