Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
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No one :
Me when I swimming :
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?