Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Just had my nails done!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
FRED: right
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels