Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
You can’t outrun your problems…
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳