the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I’m Sold!
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks