Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
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I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
The A string on my guit_r is flat
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.