I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
You Might Also Like
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I missed you with all my darts
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.