me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
This week’s mood.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.