Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.